Wayne Besen - Author, Activist, Columnist, Public Speaker

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

(Weekly Column)

A few years ago, my boyfriend (now an ex) and I walked into a chain bookstore while on vacation. Only minutes before, we had mended fences over a fight about nothing. While traversing the maze of books, my boyfriend noticed an unusually hot young man staring at me. "Do you know him?" he irascibly inquired, threatening an end to our fragile ceasefire. Before I could answer, the mystery stud bounded in front of us and blurted out, "You're Wayne Besen, aren't you?"

I nodded and the young man lit up and in a very Kathy Bates moment gushed, "I loved your book, Anything But Straight! I'm your number one fan!"

While looking directly in my eyes and pretending my partner was invisible, the number one fan became a number one flirt. While I was certainly flattered, this adulation wasn't adding to the duration of my relationship.

I bring this up to make a simple point: The public eye rarely helps private relationships succeed. If someone like me had my relationship threatened on a few occasions by foam-at-the-mouth fans, imagine how it must be to carry on a normal relationship if you are mega-stars like Ellen DeGeneres or George Michael?

The GLBT community is in a Catch-22. For public relations reasons, we need to showcase our most glamorous marriages, yet, by nature, these relationships are the ones most likely to get burned out by the inferno of the spotlight.

This was painfully driven home this week when Julie and Hillary Goodridge, the poster couple in the successful Massachusetts gay marriage suit, called it quits. The Goodridges were among seven gay couples whose lawsuit, Goodridge vs. Department of Public Health, fueled a national firestorm on this issue.

The two women were attractive, professional and dream spokespersons for our movement. They lived in a charming Victorian house and were even raising a young daughter. In short, they were perfect on paper. But we all know how easily paper burns when thrown on a fire. We owe these women our gratitude for their courage and resilience in fighting for our freedom to marry. But, their "amicable" split reinforces the necessary danger of placing the spotlight on "perfect couples."

Even more disappointing, crooner George Michael, who is scheduled to marry his boyfriend Kenny Goss this year, is embroiled in a new sex scandal. The London tabloids are having a field day because Michael was allegedly caught in the fields with his pants down. Despite damning pictures, right now, Goss is still standing by his man.

Courting couples that eventually spiral into double trouble is nothing new. In the early 1990's, millions of gay men latched on to the illusion of perfection offered by the buff bodybuilder boyfriends Bob Paris and Rod Jackson-Paris. Bob was a former Mr. Universe and Rod was a strapping blond model. The musclemen even wrote a book together, "Straight From the Heart: A Love Story," that was described in the El Paso Herald Post as "Heartwarming," and in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer as, "Compelling...Soul mates tell their story of love and take a stand for gay self-esteem."

When the heartwarming story soon turned to heartbreak, many people in the GLBT community felt as though they had been let down. But in retrospect, the odds of this couple succeeding were not very high. Every move they made was magnified and they were surely subjected to countless temptations as they traveled across America.

On a much larger stage, America witnessed the implosion (or was it an explosion) of Ellen DeGeneres's doomed relationship with Anne Heche. Heche soon went from lesbian activist to the wedding chapel...with a man. The right wing group Focus on the Family exploited the break-up by hiring Anne's mother, Nancy Heche, to supposedly show that gay people can change. To Anne's credit, she denounced this opportunism by saying that "the ex-gay even...make me sick."

The right wing's desire to take advantage of the Goodridge break-up and Michaels' affinity for doing the nasty in nature is running into a wall called reality. It is hard to make the case against the longevity of gay couples when straight couples are dramatically stealing the spotlight.

For example, New York Giants football star Michael Strahan is in the middle of a bitter divorce with his sexy wife, Jean. He is accusing her of spending profusely and she returned fire by saying that he had engaged in an "alternative lifestyle." Strahan had to go on a sports radio show to deny he was gay. Meanwhile, all of the aforementioned domestic disasters are mere warm-up acts for the utterly spellbinding Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook train wreck.

It seems that placing a spotlight on stable marriages too often makes them unstable. Maybe we are better off without unrealistic model marriages or former models preaching matrimony. If the past has taught us anything, it is that relationships in the public eye too often turn into eyesores.

37 Comments:

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
posted by Jennie, at 7/25/2006 3:34 AM

Relationships can, of course, succeed or fail at any age. But one of the few good things about aging is that one tends to me more settled and content. I have been out since I was 22, my life-partner and I have been together for 3 years now and we are both in our early 50s. I can honestly say that we have had only 1 argument in these 3 years (we're both fairly easy-going). I didnt think it would EVER happen, but he was definately worth the wait. So, for all you single readers who have been looking and waiting for *decades* -- dont give up! It can still happen for you.
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 9:31 AM

Wayne -- You have hit a nerve! It seems as though the gay / lesbian etc.. community has fought and worked so hard to win recognition - regarding coupling up - marriage - etc... that we have set ourselves up for disaster. If relationships in the "straight" world were so wonderful there wouldn't be as high a percentage of divorces as there are, yet we don't seem to give them a hard time when they fail so miserably. Politicians and preachers should be held up to the same ridicule are we, and from what I understand they, for the most part, have a pretty poor showing as goes their marital relatonships! . Those of us living in this society as glbt people are no different, nor should we be thought of as so. We often meet under the wrong situations for building longevity in relationships, and many in our community fail to step up to the plate and fully commit themselves to their own relationship, while holding up those who do as "role models." Thankfully, I have met a number od gay and lesbain couples who are working on more than a decade of success as a couple. It can be done, but generally these heros are not in the public eye. Perhaps that is the problem. Why do we think those in the public eye are above and beyond our own shortcomings?
Alternatively, if the wing nuts who are running this regime want to protect marriage, they should probably make divorce illegal, then the percentages of failed relationships, both straight and gay, would be much much better. Thanks for staying on top of things
posted by dave, at 7/25/2006 10:23 AM

Left unsaid in your piece is the focus on celebrity that is a problem in and of itself. What passes for "news" is frequently a promotion of personality and lifestyle, affecting both straight and gay.

We who advocate for gay rights and liberation would do well to try to keep attention focused on the issues, not on the gay celebrities.
posted by Bob Schwartz, at 7/25/2006 10:38 AM

Well with all said and done, WE still have the right to get married, and make a commitment, whether we do it religiously, in a church of our choosing, or by a Judge in a court room or office. Remember not only are we being fought to have that right, our battle is on the "family" front too, as to whether our relationships are good for the children, if we deceide to adopt or raise children from our once str8 marriages, and the answer is a resounding YES. If we, as a community, have "set ourselves up for disaster" so has Every man and woman that has ever entered into a Married relationship. It only proves We are NO different from heterosexuals, except by how and who we love, and have have sex with! Our friends ANN & Babe were together for 62 years, only death has separated them physically. Several of our other friends, here in our town, have been together 25 years and upwards. My Partner and I have been together 16 years, and btw we got married in our church just last year. My daughter and her partner have been together for 14 years in a loving relationship filled with hurdles that each of them work on and solve, while manageing to raise a daughter, who is stra8 and now they have a grandson, :o) my Great Grand Son. Life happens, no matter what "orientation" you are.
posted by Dominick, at 7/25/2006 11:03 AM

When relationship stop working and is time to move on, is not necessarily a "disaster". It is sad, but not the end of the world.

When a relationship fails because of jelousy or because "when I woke up, I realized that my man (or woman) wasn't perfect" it is called real life.

My partner and I are very different, independent, individuals. We both had a life before getting together, we both have our history, and men before each other. We have tryed to have three ways, we have tryed total monogamy and everything in between. What keeps our relationship happy and going is the communication that we maintain with each other about our fantasies, dreams and urges.

We are a bi-racial couple, so we are attrackted to different types of guys and different types of guys are after us. We learned that love is there while we have the strenght to face whatever comes together. We are good friends with our ex-parthners (all of them) and we are almost like an extended family...

Maturity is the key to make a relationship work. Beauty fades, love prevails.
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 11:16 AM

Anyone who is in the pbulic eye deserves the right to some privacy. It does intrude on relationships of anykind. Growing up my fathr was in the public eye and the newspapers never hesitated to document us kids - ugh!!!
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 3:30 PM

My sympathies are with the Goodridges - they seem to be behaving with class during a difficult time.

By as for George Michael, I wish that he (and Boy George, for that matter) would move somewhere where there are no cameras or reporters so that he can self-destruct in private. I understand temptation and the lure of some hottie who is thrilled to be with a celebrity. But come on! It's hard to find sympathy with someone who stumbles into the bushes with a 58 year-old pot-bellied jobless guy living out of a van.

Timothy
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 3:57 PM

Although they split up after two years of marriage, weren't they actually together for over 20 years? It's possible they were having problems before they got married (and may well have hoped marriage would help them). To say their breakup is proof that the other 6,000+ married gay couples in Massachusettes should have their marriages declared invalid is offensive and short-sighted. Not that this matters to the idiots who want to "protect" marriage from those big bad scary homos.
posted by Bill S, at 7/25/2006 4:21 PM

I know divorce rate in this country is high. Saying that because gays did not stay together is proof they do not need marriage is ridiculous.
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 6:57 PM

as the American Baptist Press said:

"According to state officials, about 8,000 same-sex couples have married in Massachusetts since gay marriage became legal there. A small number of those have filed for divorce, with the first taking place in December 2004."

I wonder if the wing-nuts would be willing to compare their divorce rate to that of them evil godless sodomites? I think they'd be embarrased to find who really does believe in the sanctity of "til death do us part".

Timothy
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 7:35 PM

I know! I highly doubt it.
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 7:38 PM

How about the asshole Brian Camenker from Massachusetts? The bastard had the nerve to bring up their daughter in his press release about the divorce. It was something to the effect of how selfish the Goodridges were for having a daughter who will never know what a "real, normal" releationship is. I'd like to drop kick him back to whatever hole he crawled out of. The fact that they were married provides more protection for children, not less.

Ticked in Toledo
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 8:16 PM

Despite what the religious right might think of this break-up, it actually shows that gays and straights have a great deal in common. Neither is infallable. Some relationships last and some don't. However, I believe that on a whole, since gays have fought so to get legal recognition, they may fight harder to keep it. I feel bad for any person who is constantly under a microscope. It's worse for couples, both homo and hetero, especially when the public is betting, literally, on how long before the relationship crumbles. But any relationship takes work to last and to grow. Love is the answer but not the only answer. There are too many outside forces taking pot shots. The important thing is to hold up the shield together. I have been fortunate to have some excellent gay couples to base my knowledge upon. And a terrific straight couple in my parents.

Everlasting love does exist and there is someone for everyone. But I think it's imperative to learn from our past relationship failures and take something good from each in order to know what mistakes to not make in the future.

So, I'm betting on Elton John and David Furnish to last forever. Any takers??
posted by jekelhyde, at 7/25/2006 8:25 PM

Eat my fat, sweaty, pimpled ass!
posted by Anonymous, at 7/25/2006 10:22 PM

Well, that's rather disgusting. Thanks for an image that I will surely take to sleep with me tonight.
posted by jekelhyde, at 7/25/2006 11:17 PM

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
posted by Anonymous, at 7/26/2006 8:59 AM

Dear Peace:

There are no ex-gays, just shameful recloseted homosexuals who are paid to say they have changed by well-funded closet assistance programs.

Alan Chambers from Exodus says there are "hundreds of thousands" of former homosexuals." Yet, we have seen virtually none who are not on the dole or full-time ministers. To say this is just to avoid the public spotlight is simply not credible.

Either put up or....
posted by Wayne Besen, at 7/26/2006 10:24 AM

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
posted by Anonymous, at 7/26/2006 2:08 PM

So you are a bi-sexual who has decided to live a straight life. Good for you. The problem is not in people trying to change orientation. The problem is those people telling everyone that all gays can and should change, that homosexuality is dangerous and phychologically damaging, that all gay people are sinners who are damned to hell. And the worst part is that they are attacking teens and parents of teens who are already scared and confused. That is deplorable and disgusting. If you are happy with your decision, again, good for you. But don't try to tell America that you are the norm and that all other gays can and should be like you. If this is not your intention than you are irrelevant in this debate so you should just go back to living your life and let us live ours.
posted by jekelhyde, at 7/26/2006 5:06 PM

Dear jekelhyde,
I invite you not to put me, or men like me into a box of your choosing so as to make it easier to believe in your world view. I believe that is what you and others are doing when you label me bisexual.

By way of disclosure I am not gay, bi-sexual, or ex-gay. I am a man who questioned his sexuality and came to a conclusion that is different from what you and most of the world would tell me is possible or desirable.

You said in your response: "The problem is those people telling everyone that all gays can and should change . . . "

I am with you, but I broaden the playing field. I personally deplore "fundatmentalism" of any flavor, which I define as anyone who is trying to tell someone else how to live their life, or that their answer is the only true answer. According to that definition I have read posts from Christian and Gay fundamentalists alike. In my judgment we will never achieve a solution until this fundamentalist attitude shifts, but frankly I don't think that the fundamentalists want to find a solution, they just want it their way, or maybe just enjoy fighting.

You go on to say, "If you are happy with your decision, again, good for you. But don't try to tell America that you are the norm and that all other gays can and should be like you."

I hope you get that I am not saying that. I get that there are people who are. At the same time my existence challenges the conventional belief.

"Finally you conclude your post with this invitation: "If this is not your intention than you are irrelevant in this debate so you should just go back to living your life and let us live ours."

Again your worldview would be easier to accept if men like myself disappeared. The reality is we exist, and as a result others should know that, and that there are options.

Peace.
posted by Anonymous, at 7/27/2006 10:33 AM

I stand by my statment. If it is not your intention to attempt to show that sexuality is a choice than you are irrelevant in this debate. Not for the reasons that you give, but because if your statements are genuine, than the fight is not against you. Live your life and stop trying to bring yourself into the frey.

You are missing the big picture. It is more than a fundementalist attidude, "I'm right and you're wrong" sort of thing. It's an attempt to tell everyone with voting power that we are asking for special privilages by demanding marriage. Whatever you are doesn't matter, although I believe by definition bi-sexual is a person who desires either gender. What matters is that you feel the need to step into a fight that doesn't concern you. You are happy. Be happy. YOU have the right to marry.

Take care,
Darren
posted by jekelhyde, at 7/27/2006 11:50 AM

You go Peace!! There really are othr people out there like me who have changed and are liberal.

The OTHER Anonymous
posted by Anonymous, at 7/28/2006 3:20 AM

Dear Darren,
thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have been giving a lot of thought to what you said. Yes I do have the right to marry a women, as do you, and neither of us has the right, except in Massachusetts, to marry a man.

My issue is not with the right for members of the same sex to marry, I see the fairness of two individuals of the same sex being able to make committments to each other, have it legally recognized, and receive the benefits enjoyed by opposite sex couples.

Your statement that "you feel the need to step into a fight that doesn't concern you" is not correct however. This does concern me because in order to make the argument for same sex marriage, you and others like you choose to deny my existence. As Wayne said in a previous post,

"There are no ex-gays, just shameful recloseted homosexuals who are paid to say they have changed by well-funded closet assistance programs."

I judge statements like this to be a gross exageration, designed to serve a political purpose. In the process it promulgates an untruth which serves to deny future "others like me" the knowledge that there are options other than gay, bi, or straight.

Your invitation to stay out of a frey that doesn't concern me is a version of "don't ask, don't tell', which I wouldn't want to play.

Let me ask you, if equal rights in marriage is a good cause worth supporting, why must it be justified by half truths and outright lies? Such tactics diminish the rightness of the cause in my eyes.

Again Darren, thank you for engaging me in serious dialogue, rather than name calling and innuendo, perhaps this kind of authentic civility can influence others; I can only hope.

best wishes,
George,
aka peace.
posted by Anonymous, at 7/28/2006 9:30 AM

George,

Gay people are attracted to members of their same gender, straight people are attracted to members of the opposite gender, and bi-sexuals are attracted to both genders. There is nothing else, I'm afraid. As far as you saying that I can marry a woman, that is not a choice for me.I am not attracted to women. That would be someone else's choice for me. To marry someone that I am neither attracted to nor could ever hope to love deeply wouldn't be fair to me or the woman in question. You are attracted to women, so you have the right to marry, I don't. I do not deny that a very, very small portion of the population may be able to change orientation. I take offense to the notion that all gay people CAN change. That all gay people are capable of changing orientation is the cry of the Christian Coalition, and the thing that is keeping us from attaining equal rights and equal protections.

I say again, if you are not one of these people, this doesn't pertain to you. This fight isn't against you. You and the other Anonymous, (who I am still not convinced isn't you, to be totally honest) are both trying to blame Wayne accusing him of intolerance and bigotry. These are the tactics of the anti gay, "Ex-gay" groups. The two of you fit nicely into that mold. And of course he would be suspicious of any anonymous who is stalking the blog and claiming to be ex-gay while speaking of options and the right to choose. These two phrases fall under the catagory of, "Every gay person can change." And if, every gay person can change than we are asking for special privilages, not equal rights. This is why there is suspician surrounding you and the other anonymous. This is why I am suspicious. You want us to state that people like you do exist. Do people like me exist??? Men who are born gay, cannot be straight, have not options other than gay or lonely?? I ask that you not bounce around the question. Answer it outright, yes or no.

Thank you,
Darren
posted by jekelhyde, at 7/28/2006 10:59 AM

Dear Darren,
I hear your suspicions, and I don't want to deny you those suspicions. This is a highly volitale subject that we are discussing and a less than safe environment, and your suspicions, and mine serve to protect us, so please hold on to them as long as you need to, and I will do the same.

As for the two anonymouses, they are two distinct individuals, and I don't know who the second one is; besides at this point you know me as George.

As for the question you want me to answer, I will attempt to answer it forthrightly and with sincerity. I believe your question is:

"Do people like me exist??? Men who are born gay, cannot be straight, have not options other than gay or lonely??"

Yes, people like you exist. Your existence proves it, and ironically your proof of your existance, and my proof of mine is the same. That proof lies in the fact that we have lived the experience. We know the pain, the struggle, and our options. Likewise we have both found those who share our experience, and give it similar meaning.

Finally I judge that we both want society, science, and/or God to validate our experience. The truth is it hasn't happened yet and likely never will. So I judge that we must be strong enough within our own individual experiences to stand firm in the face of opposition, which we likewise both face.

Can a gay man change his sexual orientation? I believe that is a question that each gay man has to answer for himself. I know men, in fact some of my dearest friends who did identify themselves as gay (remember I did not) and now identify themselves as heterosexual, and live fulfilling lives in relationship with women and men. I can't deny their experience, anymore than I can deny mine, anymore than I would deny yours. I think we agree that noone has the right to impose their experience on you, or me, or anyone else.

I see how for you this is a battle about equal rights. I hope you see that for me this is a battle about individual rights. I hope that someday the two battles can be supportive of each other.

Blessings,
George
posted by Anonymous, at 7/29/2006 12:00 PM

First of all George, I don't idenitfy myself as gay. I am gay. It isn't an identity that I can take on and give up at will. It's a part of me, hardwired. To say that your friends identify themselves as gay is Exodus, Focus on the Family speech; again, a source of suspician.

"Can a gay man change his sexual orientation? I believe that is a question that each gay man has to answer for himself"

I take this statement to mean that any gay man CAN change orientation. Correct me if I am wrong.

As much as you seem to be trying to be straight-forward in your words, you dance around like a politician.

The definition of homosexual is one who is attracted to members of his/her own gender, heterosexual is atrraction to opposite gender, bi-sexual is attraction to either gender. If your gay friends decide to marry members of the opposite sex, they are not heterosexual if the desires have not changed. This is where you and I seem to disagree. Correct me if I am wrong. And try not to do the hokie pokie around it.

Thanks,
Darren
posted by jekelhyde, at 7/29/2006 5:16 PM

Dear Darren,
thank you for your reply. I hear you wanting me to come out and stake a claim on the black or the white side of this issue. Rest assured that if I were conducting this dialogue on a fundamentalist, right wing christian blog they would have the same frustration that I sense in you, because I do not subscribe to their extreme anymore that I do to yours.

This conversation started out because I chose to step out and call Wayne Besen on what I judged to be a double standard, I would do the same to Jerry Falwell in a similar situation.

So enough of that. You want me to answer a question that I judge cannot be answered, and though I have my opinions they are irrelavent because I do not have the need to impose them on someone else or society in order to feel secure in myself. I do however feel the obligation to share with others who are interested and searching that there are other alternatives than the two extremes that I referred to above. I will continue to do that, and not here.

I judge from your last post that there is a lot of frustration in you towards me. Sensing that I don't believe there is much point in continuing the conversation, as I don't want to cause unnecessary discomfort. So I wish you good fortune, I have enjoyed our few shared minutes in cyberspace and hope that you find what you are looking for.

Repectfully,
George
posted by Anonymous, at 7/29/2006 8:32 PM

I have what I'm looking for, George. I just want to make it legal. And I gather from your response that you do believe that choice is possible for every gay man and woman. It's cool. Believe what you want. Hope you have a good life.
posted by jekelhyde, at 7/29/2006 8:53 PM

Georgie Porgie puddin pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
Georgie Porgie.....
Locked himself in the closet.

Sorry George, couldn't resist
posted by jekelhyde, at 7/29/2006 9:58 PM

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