Thursday, November 25, 2004
by Wayne Besen
By now, most people have been sickened by the brawl involving the Indiana Pacers, Detroit Pistons and the drunken hooligans that pose as Piston's basketball fans. We looked on in horror as muscle-bound Pacer's star Ron Artest leapt into the stands - followed by a few of his teammates - to attack terrified basketball buffs after he was hit by a cup of beer. We watched in dismay as the scene escalated into violent chaos and mayhem.
Appropriately, National Basketball Association Commissioner David Stern suspended several players and kicked Artest out of the league for the remainder of the season. Although it is admirable that this alarming incident has been used to reexamine society, it is unfortunate that conservatives have exploited the fight.
"This is the hip-hop culture on parade," Rush Limbaugh coughed up on his radio show. "This is gang behavior on parade minus the guns. That's the culture that the NBA has become."
The subtext of Limbaugh's message is that conservatives and their celebrated "values" are the answer to saving society. But the truth is, right wing conservatives are not the solution - they are part of the problem.
Precisely what conservative lessons do Limbaugh and others of his ilk believe they can impart? Based upon their behavior, here is what a conservative values-based curriculum might teach:
English: First, Dan Quayle will prepare students for the spelling bee, followed by Prof. George W. Bush's grammar class. At the end of the semester, Head Master Dick Cheney will teach kids how to tell a cardboard cutout of Vermont Sen. Pat Leahy to F*******.
Ethics: Tom Delay will instruct your children in the skill of changing the rules to make sure they can succeed even if they are indicted. After all, you can't break the rules, if you make the rules!
Math: Liberal professors spend too much time on mathematical theory. What's the point? Seen a rhombus lately? Values guru Bill Bennett will take your children out of the Ivory Tower and into the casino where they can learn "the virtue" of how to run numbers with the best of them. This is practical math at its finest.
History: Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will guide you through the evolution of the Electoral Map. Well, not evolution - that's a bad word. Newtie will teach how after Alabama's racist Gov. George Wallace left the Democratic Party to become a Dixiecrat, the majority of voters in southern states followed him out of the party. Learn the nice euphemism for this race-based electoral switcheroo: "Red States".
Physical Education: We offer P.E. with our token conservative Democrat Zell Miller. He'll guide your budding conservative progeny on the finer points of dueling. The semester will end with California Gov. Schwarzenegger teaching the gymnastics of how to slaughter countless people as a Terminator and still be the darling of conservatives who abhor Hollywood violence.
Industrial Technology: In case your son is ever accused of having his hands on a campaign aide during his political campaign, Prof. Gary Bauer will take the hands on approach and show him how to replace the wooden door to the campaign office with a glass door.
Marriage and Family: Culture warriors Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh and Bob Barr will tag-team lecture on the minefield of Third Marriages. They will answer pertinent questions like, "Is it OK for the third bride to wear white?"
Health: Rush Limbaugh will teach your kids how to bash evil drug addicts while high on Percoset. He will impart the skill of "Dr. Shopping" to make sure they always have the prescriptions they need.
Business: Prof. Kenneth Lay will teach the art of bankrupting a company and landing with a golden parachute.
Law: Learn how to settle a lurid sexual harassment suit out of court with Prof. Bill O'Reilly. Then, anti-activist Judge Roy Moore will teach your kids how to respect the law by explaining how they too can place a two-ton replica of the Ten Commandments in a courthouse and then refuse a court order to take it down.
Bible: Trinity Broadcasting Network's (TBN) founder Paul Crouch will school your children the heavenly hypocrisy of starting an evangelical empire that condemns homosexuality while having an alleged gay affair with your employee.
Computers: Republican National Field Director Dan Gurley will teach your child that just because something is on the Internet, does not mean it's private. Gurley will show you how his Internet profile trolling for unsafe sex proved embarrassing with the abstinence-only crowd.
It is evident by looking at this curriculum, that only when conservative culture stops growing in a petri dish have they earned the right to lecture the rest of us. Until then, I suggest they take a long look at the conservative culture they've cultivated. They will find it looks a lot like the one they piously preach against.
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