Wednesday, June 29, 2005
by Wayne Besen
I am very excited about the launch of
Logo, the MTV-sponsored all-gay cable network that will initially be available in 10 million homes. For the first time, a corporate giant, Viacom, has put the money and muscle into making a gay cable channel work.
This is also a big risk for the GLBT community. If the network tanks, other corporations will be afraid to invest money into gay programming. Therefore, I propose that Logo play it safe and initially stick to mimicking successful mainstream television shows, but with a lavender twist. Here are twelve shows that would be a safe bet to succeed:
The White Party CSI: Forensics experts investigate and track down an evil drug dealer who sold a lethal combination of poppers and Viagra at a Miami circuit party.
Metro Guy For the Queer Pig Sty: This show is dedicated to all the beer guzzling, plaid-shirt wearing, fat, pale gay men who think Universal Gear is a shop that fixes tractors. In this stereotype-breaking show, a gang of five straight Metrosexuals enters a Bear's house and teaches him how to properly shine his leather thong and trim his back hair.
Survivor: In this highly anticipated show, 10 "ex-gays" will be airlifted and placed on an island stocked with sex addicted A&F Models. Each time an ex-gay breaks down and sodomizes, he is booted off the island. This show should have extraordinary ratings, but there is a reasonable fear that none of the ex-gays will make it to the second episode.
The Practicing Homosexual: A knock-off of "The Practice", this follows the legal travails of closeted Spokane Mayor Jim West and closeted right wing talk show host Armstrong Williams, as they try to fend off allegations of gay sexual harassment and abuse.
American Idol: Scratch this idea. After Clay Aiken, there is no way Logo can make this show any gayer.
Larry Kramer Live: This is the perfect antidote for those tired of Larry King's passive questioning style. ACT-UP founder Larry Kramer will always get the most out of his guests with his probing questions. Here is an excerpt from the pilot: "Answer the question, asshole!! You're Killing Us!!! KILLING US!!!! One more word and I'll have 50 ugly, bald queens in combat boots picketing on the Goddamned manicured lawn of your insipid suburban Connecticut shit hole of a house."
Morning Aerobics: Scratch that idea. After Richard Simmons, there is no way Logo can make a show any gayer.
The Fake World: Five young, hot men share a brownstone in Chelsea and talk about botox, boys and Britney Spears. Watch them prattle about Tina and Connie, while admiring how steroids have ballooned their calves!
The Apprentice: A host of aspiring young drag queens perform in a cutthroat competition to win over a powerful Drag Momma. When a contestant loses, Drag Momma snaps her fingers, rips off the losers wig, and says, "Miss Thang, you are so fired."
The West Hollywood Hillbillies: In this show, a gay hillbilly wins big in a drunken night of riverboat gambling and moves to West Hollywood in a doomed effort to make the A-List.
Out That Cartoon: This is a spin-off of 70's hit, "Name That Tune". In this show, Jerry Falwell, James Dobson and other Religious Right figures get a quick glimpse of various cartoon characters and have ten seconds to decide if the animated figures are homosexual.
Crossflamer: Michelangelo Signorile and Andrew Sullivan are lowered into a pit of mud and argue about politics until they either fall in love, or one of them cries Uncle.
We can only hope that Logo takes my sage advice and incorporates these themes into their programming. With such safe and milquetoast shows, how could they go wrong?
16 Comments:
Brilliant!
posted by Matt, at
2:28 PM
This is great! I love to read your writings. I particularly like the one about Signorile and Sullivan... I would call that show Cat Fight.
posted by Aztec, at
4:36 PM
I'd tune in to every show great thanks for the chuckle on a rainy day in Little Rock AR
posted by Arkansas Gay History, at
5:13 PM
HA HA!! I am totally that flannel-wearing redneck gay slob, and I've always wondered who is going to come help me learn to dress, clean and cook. Nice one.
I'm not fat though, or very pale. That was a low blow.
-R
posted by Ryan Grant Long, at
8:09 PM
Yes, very funny. I love the idea for the survivor show. That would really work!
posted by Willie Hewes, at
9:09 AM
http://www.thedesertsun.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050713/COLUMNS25/507130340/1085/NEWS01
http://www.qtelevision.com/site/
http://www.qtelevision.com/site/iwantqnetworkpop.asp
Mayor's vision fully in focus
Cindy Uken
The Desert Sun
July 13, 2005
As a member of the Palm Springs Human Rights Commission in the 1990s, Ron Oden was instrumental in getting Black Entertainment Television included in the local programming lineup. Now Mayor, Oden is lobbying to get more programming included that focuses on yet another minority group - gays and lesbians.
But his vision for what it could bring is much broader than local programming; it's an economic opportunity.
Oden, widely thought to be the country's first openly gay black mayor, is lobbying strenuously to get Q Television Network, a Palm Springs-based network, included on the Time Warner Cable television lineup. Q Television Network is a nationally syndicated gay television network run by and programmed for an audience that identifies itself as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender - and straight. It would be a natural fit for Palm Springs, which boasts a significant gay and lesbian population.
But for Oden, this is about so much more than just adding a network that is gay- and lesbian-based; it's about doing what's right for Palm Springs. And that's what really gets his creative juices flowing.
This is the place where noted retailers like Nordstrom and J. Crew frequently come for print advertising and catalog shoots.
More than 800 shooting days - including movies, TV shows, commercials and still photography - netted the valley $28 million in revenues in 2004, according to the Inland Empire Film Commission.
With the right production studio, Palm Springs and the Coachella Valley just might be able to take things to the next level. Theoretically, it could become a Hollywood satellite that turns media production into a source for year-round, high-paying jobs?
"If they get on Time Warner, they are going to build a production studio in the city," Oden said. "It gives us another opportunity to do things here. They're going to syndicate some national shows and broadcast from here on a daily basis. We're moving, baby."
Oden said one of the complaints he often hears is that there is no place in Palm Springs to produce programs; if Q Television Network builds a studio here, that would void that complaint.
Time Warner corporate officers are trying to negotiate a nationwide agreement with the type of network product Q Television Network offers, said Kathi Jacobs, director of government and community relations for Time Warner. The company is considering three different products in the same network genre; Q Television Network is one of them. She said a decision in expected "sometime in the future."
Carol Hinnant, vice president of acquisitions for Q Television Network, said Tuesday, "We are still talking with Time Warner and hope for a positive resolution in the next couple of months."
As I've gotten to know Oden better during his tenure as mayor - and watch how he works - there are no accidents. Most everything he does is by design.
Earlier this year, he talked of his vision to reestablish Palm Springs as a playground for the stars. He enlisted the help of actors, singers, writers and others to brainstorm ways to attract more stars and visitors to the city - and bring the Hollywood allure back to the desert.
Once a bit static, the picture is starting to become much clearer. It's becoming a don't-miss drama.
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心中一阵不安升降机，因为我忽然又想起了那道剑光升降平台，可怕的剑光升降台，美丽的剑光登车桥。为什么那一剑是那么的美丽货架，却又那么的可怕呢集装袋？在我倒下之前我说地磅，好美的剑塑料托盘，好恨的剑塑料托盘。我倒下了仓储笼。在我失去知觉之前仓储笼，我听到他说北京货架，这叫艺术超市货架，剑的艺术北京货架。
我并没有死广州货架，原来我的心是在右边仓储货架，而是不是左边货架厂。所以在那穿胸一剑之下我并没有死南京货架。
是一阵暴雨把我冲醒了货架公司。听说雨是上天的眼泪深圳货架，也许这天又有人死在那美丽的剑光之下吧服装货架！我张开嘴巴托盘，任雨水打进我的嘴托盘，直冲我的胃塑料托盘。我的伤口又开始流血塑料托盘，但已经不痛了木托盘。试问：仓储笼一个心已经死了的人仓储笼，肉体上的疼痛又算得了什么呢仓储笼？我知道我的刀再练一百年也无法那么美丽仓储笼，那么恨托盘，而且永远别想杀了他托盘。
我退出江湖了手推车，我没有通知江湖上的朋友们静音手推车，并来一个什么金盆洗手静音手推车，因为我的朋友们差不多都被他杀了置物架。我悄悄的走了置物架，隐进了山林之中堆垛架。俨然一个世外高人的样子堆垛架，每天一壶绿茶登高车，放在身边的几上登高车，然后或盯着一朵白云超市手推车，或盯着一片树叶物流手推车，或双目紧闭物流台车。我的刀在玉盆中泡了七七四十九天角钢货架，已经没有血腥味了角钢货架。然后我把它放在我的屋顶轻型货架，任它风吹雨打轻型货架。
十年就这年过去了中型货架。为何今天天忽然想起那柄剑中型货架，那道剑光重型货架？而且内心为什么如此不安重型货架？不应该是这样的仓库货架，对于一个喝了十年绿茶的人来说服装货架，面对死上海货架，也已不再惧怕精品货架，不再不安苏州货架，但今天又为何如此呢托盘货架？
莫非是他青岛货架，和他的剑库房货架，加上他的剑光沈阳货架。我已不问江湖之事天津货架，想他十年前也应该坐上武林盟主的位子了杭州货架，一个武林中人做了武林盟主山东货架，这一生还有什么要求的呢文件柜？
我不停的喝着绿茶工具柜。绿茶静心工具柜。但此时怎么也静不下来零件柜。茶已尽工作台。平时茶尽之时工作台，正也是日落之时工作桌。
一定快有什么事情发生了工作桌。
剑还是那美丽的剑Google左侧排名，如果再加上一道剑光吹塑机，就会形成剑的艺术色带，武学的艺术电源插座。
我问反光背心：为何还来找我滚针轴承，我已在十年之前就退出江湖了夜光粉。
他说文化石：因为你没死缎带，因为我没有对手风火轮。
我说激光打标机：十年前已不是你的对手平衡机，何况现在十年未动刀大功率led。
他说磁力泵：放眼天下梯子，只有你一个人是我的对手网眼袋，也只你一个人对我的威胁无尘布。
我不再说话手摇手电筒，因为我不知道说什么手板，我知道我十年前就开始找我毛巾布，发现我没有死就开始找我磁钢。我不死促销台，他心不安模具钢材。
他说时尚配饰：拿出你的刀筛网。
我说齿轮泵：我已无刀天使花房，命托辊，亦可有可无色丁。
他盯着我广告衫，握剑的手越来越紧钢坯，我知道那道美丽的剑光可能随时发出过滤网。在那美丽过后疏水阀，我的生命将画上句号胸章。
阳光照在了刀上发热管，反射到他的脸上手机耳机。他发现了那把刀螺杆，我的刀插销，宝刀蝴蝶，没有鞘的刀工具包。
刀已在我手中点钞机，刀还是那把刀配电箱，人却已不是那个人流苏，因为心不是那颗心沙滩巾。
他为了杀我竟找了我十年氯化镁，而为了和我比武竟帮我从屋顶拿下我的刀来双面胶带，并放在我的手中碳纤维。我忽然发现排线，他也变了汽车座垫，他在后悔十年前将所有高手都杀绝珍珠奶茶。
高手的悲哀太阳伞。
我握紧了刀桥架，我看着他的眼tpr，已经不再像十年前那样明亮了钢丝。
他的剑划出柴油发电机组，划出一道美丽的剑光护栏。我想围栏，这十年他大概在不停地使自己的剑光更美围栏。
我的刀也出了隔离网。简单的动作隔离网，一刀刺进了他的胸网片。那道美丽的光忽然停止网片，停在我的衣服上南京货架。
他说北京货架：这也是艺术北京货架，杀人的艺术北京货架，想不到你十年不动刀还懂这个艺术仓储货架。
我说仓储货架：因为我不想再让你痛苦了广州货架。
他说广州货架：谢谢货架厂。
我走了货架公司。我头也不回的走了塑料托盘。没有取回我的刀塑料托盘，因为我觉得它在我身边已经没用塑料托盘，我后悔我十年前为什么不扔了它塑料托盘？我听到了尸体倒下的声音塑料托盘。我流泪了塑料托盘，我真的不想杀他仓储笼，十年前不想仓储笼，十年后也不想仓储笼，因为我下山时答应过师父仓储笼，一切让着他仓储笼。
我叹了一口气仓储笼。远去仓储笼。
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2:53 AM
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posted by mba, at
10:22 AM
I am so happy to get some hero gold and the hero online gold is given by my close friend
who tells me that the hero online money is the basis to enter into the game. Therefore, I should buy hero gold with the spare money and I gain some hero money from other players.
posted by derfefww, at
7:49 PM
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