Wayne Besen - Weekly Columns

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

by Wayne Besen

I am very excited about the launch of Logo, the MTV-sponsored all-gay cable network that will initially be available in 10 million homes. For the first time, a corporate giant, Viacom, has put the money and muscle into making a gay cable channel work.

This is also a big risk for the GLBT community. If the network tanks, other corporations will be afraid to invest money into gay programming. Therefore, I propose that Logo play it safe and initially stick to mimicking successful mainstream television shows, but with a lavender twist. Here are twelve shows that would be a safe bet to succeed:

The White Party CSI: Forensics experts investigate and track down an evil drug dealer who sold a lethal combination of poppers and Viagra at a Miami circuit party.

Metro Guy For the Queer Pig Sty: This show is dedicated to all the beer guzzling, plaid-shirt wearing, fat, pale gay men who think Universal Gear is a shop that fixes tractors. In this stereotype-breaking show, a gang of five straight Metrosexuals enters a Bear's house and teaches him how to properly shine his leather thong and trim his back hair.

Survivor: In this highly anticipated show, 10 "ex-gays" will be airlifted and placed on an island stocked with sex addicted A&F Models. Each time an ex-gay breaks down and sodomizes, he is booted off the island. This show should have extraordinary ratings, but there is a reasonable fear that none of the ex-gays will make it to the second episode.

The Practicing Homosexual: A knock-off of "The Practice", this follows the legal travails of closeted Spokane Mayor Jim West and closeted right wing talk show host Armstrong Williams, as they try to fend off allegations of gay sexual harassment and abuse.

American Idol: Scratch this idea. After Clay Aiken, there is no way Logo can make this show any gayer.

Larry Kramer Live: This is the perfect antidote for those tired of Larry King's passive questioning style. ACT-UP founder Larry Kramer will always get the most out of his guests with his probing questions. Here is an excerpt from the pilot: "Answer the question, asshole!! You're Killing Us!!! KILLING US!!!! One more word and I'll have 50 ugly, bald queens in combat boots picketing on the Goddamned manicured lawn of your insipid suburban Connecticut shit hole of a house."

Morning Aerobics: Scratch that idea. After Richard Simmons, there is no way Logo can make a show any gayer.

The Fake World: Five young, hot men share a brownstone in Chelsea and talk about botox, boys and Britney Spears. Watch them prattle about Tina and Connie, while admiring how steroids have ballooned their calves!

The Apprentice: A host of aspiring young drag queens perform in a cutthroat competition to win over a powerful Drag Momma. When a contestant loses, Drag Momma snaps her fingers, rips off the losers wig, and says, "Miss Thang, you are so fired."

The West Hollywood Hillbillies: In this show, a gay hillbilly wins big in a drunken night of riverboat gambling and moves to West Hollywood in a doomed effort to make the A-List.

Out That Cartoon
: This is a spin-off of 70's hit, "Name That Tune". In this show, Jerry Falwell, James Dobson and other Religious Right figures get a quick glimpse of various cartoon characters and have ten seconds to decide if the animated figures are homosexual.

Crossflamer: Michelangelo Signorile and Andrew Sullivan are lowered into a pit of mud and argue about politics until they either fall in love, or one of them cries Uncle.

We can only hope that Logo takes my sage advice and incorporates these themes into their programming. With such safe and milquetoast shows, how could they go wrong?


16 Comments:

Brilliant!
posted by Anonymous Matt, at 2:28 PM  

This is great! I love to read your writings. I particularly like the one about Signorile and Sullivan... I would call that show Cat Fight.
posted by Blogger Aztec, at 4:36 PM  

I'd tune in to every show great thanks for the chuckle on a rainy day in Little Rock AR
posted by Blogger Arkansas Gay History, at 5:13 PM  

HA HA!! I am totally that flannel-wearing redneck gay slob, and I've always wondered who is going to come help me learn to dress, clean and cook. Nice one.

I'm not fat though, or very pale. That was a low blow.

-R
posted by Anonymous Ryan Grant Long, at 8:09 PM  

Yes, very funny. I love the idea for the survivor show. That would really work!
posted by Blogger Willie Hewes, at 9:09 AM  

http://www.thedesertsun.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050713/COLUMNS25/507130340/1085/NEWS01
http://www.qtelevision.com/site/
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Mayor's vision fully in focus
Cindy Uken
The Desert Sun
July 13, 2005

As a member of the Palm Springs Human Rights Commission in the 1990s, Ron Oden was instrumental in getting Black Entertainment Television included in the local programming lineup. Now Mayor, Oden is lobbying to get more programming included that focuses on yet another minority group - gays and lesbians.

But his vision for what it could bring is much broader than local programming; it's an economic opportunity.

Oden, widely thought to be the country's first openly gay black mayor, is lobbying strenuously to get Q Television Network, a Palm Springs-based network, included on the Time Warner Cable television lineup. Q Television Network is a nationally syndicated gay television network run by and programmed for an audience that identifies itself as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender - and straight. It would be a natural fit for Palm Springs, which boasts a significant gay and lesbian population.

But for Oden, this is about so much more than just adding a network that is gay- and lesbian-based; it's about doing what's right for Palm Springs. And that's what really gets his creative juices flowing.

This is the place where noted retailers like Nordstrom and J. Crew frequently come for print advertising and catalog shoots.

More than 800 shooting days - including movies, TV shows, commercials and still photography - netted the valley $28 million in revenues in 2004, according to the Inland Empire Film Commission.

With the right production studio, Palm Springs and the Coachella Valley just might be able to take things to the next level. Theoretically, it could become a Hollywood satellite that turns media production into a source for year-round, high-paying jobs?

"If they get on Time Warner, they are going to build a production studio in the city," Oden said. "It gives us another opportunity to do things here. They're going to syndicate some national shows and broadcast from here on a daily basis. We're moving, baby."

Oden said one of the complaints he often hears is that there is no place in Palm Springs to produce programs; if Q Television Network builds a studio here, that would void that complaint.

Time Warner corporate officers are trying to negotiate a nationwide agreement with the type of network product Q Television Network offers, said Kathi Jacobs, director of government and community relations for Time Warner. The company is considering three different products in the same network genre; Q Television Network is one of them. She said a decision in expected "sometime in the future."

Carol Hinnant, vice president of acquisitions for Q Television Network, said Tuesday, "We are still talking with Time Warner and hope for a positive resolution in the next couple of months."

As I've gotten to know Oden better during his tenure as mayor - and watch how he works - there are no accidents. Most everything he does is by design.

Earlier this year, he talked of his vision to reestablish Palm Springs as a playground for the stars. He enlisted the help of actors, singers, writers and others to brainstorm ways to attract more stars and visitors to the city - and bring the Hollywood allure back to the desert.

Once a bit static, the picture is starting to become much clearer. It's becoming a don't-miss drama.
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posted by Blogger mba, at 10:22 AM  

I am so happy to get some hero gold and the hero online gold is given by my close friend

who tells me that the hero online money is the basis to enter into the game. Therefore, I should buy hero gold with the spare money and I gain some hero money from other players.
posted by Blogger derfefww, at 7:49 PM  

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